When you realize you were never lonely.

Loneliness is a rite of passage towards confidence.  It’s a walk that we must all make at one point in our life. One of the reasons you feel lonely is because you over analyze who you don't have & undermine the people who stay by your side.

One problem that the mind has is that it's always in searching mode. It's a gift & a curse.

Assume two groups of People-
Group A- Cannot take a loss & Group B- Cannot take a win

“Hmm, I've heard of people who can't take a loss, but never heard of someone who can't take a win.”

Well, those people exist. Those people have the tendency to UNDERMINE their wins.

'Anyone could have done that.'
'About time I won.'
'Is it really a win, though?'
- They speak like this.

Their tendency to speak like this always has their mind searching more & more. They never feel happy as they’re constantly undermining the wins & amplifying the losses.

We call this type of people a 'sore winner.' And the social version of this is what can cause loneliness. The biggest difference between alone & lonely is the state of mind.

Alone is physical. Lonely is mental. You can be by yourself & feel lonely. You can be surrounded by 100 people & feel lonely.

Like I said, it’s a state of mind. You want to take a pause for a second. You're focusing a lot on who you don't have. But what about the people you do have?

The thing with social circles is that it reduces the more that you grow up. That's because different people are now evolving their priorities. People have jobs, chores and responsibilities. Chances are you are evaluating an adult social life from the one you had in high school & college. The problem with that is that in high school & college, we didn't have that many priorities. Therefore, you are evaluating social circles based on the wrong context.

What amplifies this is social media. Where you see people surrounded by people. You see a snippet of their life & mistake it as the whole. Most people as they are growing reduce the circle in size. Sometimes by deliberate choice and other times, people drift apart. That is why you want to quit being the sore winner & start evaluating yourself from the wrong context. See what you have. Better yet, see who you have.

There have been a group of people who have stayed by your side for multiple chapters. Focus on them. And if you don't have people like that, then find people like that.

Just 1-3 people will be a better investment than the high school context that you're thinking about. Ultimately though, it's all a state of mind. You need to tame the constant seeking mind. Stuff like gratitude and all that helps.

But get busy investing in something that allows you to be in motion. If the mind doesn't have problems, it will create them. A lot of the times, we become lonely, because in reality, we are bored. So our mind creates a problem for us to dwell over.

I said at the beginning of this article that loneliness is the rite of passage towards confidence.
Which translation is for: Loneliness doesn't just go away. You need to bulldoze through it.

It's all a state of mind bud. It comes down to:

-Investing in your hobbies
-And focusing on the people that you have.

The more you do those 2 the more you attract, rather than chase. So be a solid winner, not a sore one. Show social intelligence when it's the last thing you want to show.

Loneliness melts away when you begin investing in your life.

“How will I know when I have conquered loneliness?”

When you realize you were never lonely.




Md. Abul Kashem Sazzad
M.S.S. in International Relations
University of Chittagong

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