Aim your self-improvement at relationships, not just yourself

It’s easy to turn self-help into a solo sport: more reading, more refining, more private drills on an empty field. But life is not practice. Life is the game. And the point of growth is not to become an endlessly polished individual; it’s to become better at loving, relating, contributing, and showing up when other people are involved. A lot of “working on yourself” is really just a way of delaying the messier, riskier, more meaningful work of human connection. So use self-improvement to get out of the harbor, not to build a prettier boat.

Unpaid Labor

When you add up all the ticking, tokking, and clicking, what’s the return on that investment? Is your vacation more fun when you spend it taking photos for your Instagram followers? Are you feeding Facebook, or is it feeding you? Labor is work that we get paid for. It’s work we wouldn’t do for free. And for most people on social media, it’s unpaid labor on behalf of the platforms.

If it’s paying off for you, keep going! If it’s not, it might be worth reconsidering. The simple test: when you do it more, do things get better?

Add intentional randomness to one small decision each week

Pick an area where your preferences have become automatic, like what you eat, where you walk, what music you hear, what cafe you visit, or what event you attend, and deliberately choose something outside your usual pattern. The goal is not to outsource your life to randomness, but to interrupt the algorithm of habit long enough to discover something new. Afterward, ask: Did this add energy, perspective, connection, or curiosity? Keep the randomness that expands your life, and drop the randomness that only creates noise.

Guarding your time isn't rude

People who get an unusual amount of work done are maniacal about removing things from their lives that others tolerate. Guarding your time isn't rude; it's how you get stuff done. Letting a conversation go on longer than necessary is nice to them, but unkind to yourself. Nice is what people want from you. Kindness is what you owe yourself.

Actual Intelligence

Actual Intelligence, the kind we’re born with and can develop if we choose. It’s worth more now than ever before:  The difficult work of making choices. The act of curation. The responsibility of putting your name on it. The judgment to ask the right questions and skip the other ones. The imperative to ship useful work. The pursuit of good taste. The patience to sit with the right problem rather than solving the wrong one. The generosity to create for someone specific. Seeking justice. Offering dignity. Knowing when to stop. Investing in deep empathy, not a shallow substitute. Taking initiative and doing the reading. Being patient, or impatient, depending on what’s needed. Ignoring the noise. Making something that matters. Caring. Alas, it’s rarely taught in school!

The second thing

It’s useful and satisfying to have people go along with your wishes and your taste. But hoping that they’ll be delighted to do so and that you'll thank them for pointing out their previous errors might be asking for too much. It’s one thing for people to act as if you’re right. It’s a whole other thing for them to acknowledge that they are wrong. It might not be worth what it costs to achieve.

Making mistakes is the privilege

Only while sleeping does one make no mistakes. Making mistakes is the privilege of the active ones who can correct their mistakes and put them right.