Relationships Should Be Voluntary, Not Obligatory

Healthy relationships are based on mutual benefit and choice, not obligation or sacrifice. You owe others respect but not your freedom. This idea was massive for me. I see so many people suffering in relationships because it’s the ‘done thing.’ No, it isn’t. You’re not a sacrificial lamb. Reevaluate relationships where you feel trapped or resentful. Only prioritize connections that enhance your freedom and joy.

Message a friend

Forget yourself for a moment, and turn your attention outward. Message someone without expectation. Do it to lift them up. Now you will be lifted.

Micro-journal

Write exactly three bullets at the end of each day:

- One thing you noticed
- One thing you learned
- One thing you’re curious about

This takes 30 seconds, but after a year, you’ll have 365 observations that drive you forward.

Take 5 breaths

Forget the nonsense about deep breaths. That just sucks in more CO2 and makes you light-headed. Instead, take five in-and-out shallow breaths through the nose. This will center you like little else, helping your mind so you make better decisions.

Develop the skill of strategic detachment

When was the last time you wished things were different to the way things were? Not a great vibe is it Attachment to outcomes is the literal formula for suffering. So, to live a life with far less suffering, detach yourself as needed.

People respect those who maintain control

The essence of ‘control’ here is non-reactivity. Bearly anyone gets this. Think of those tough guys who think they’re cool because they exhibit their rage to make a point. Those who act on their negative emotions are out of control. Staying calm in tough moments or after being judged is a tremendous skill and not easy for most. If you can be the calm in the storm, people will follow you.

People trust those who take their time

Don’t rush, and don’t give it all away too soon. People value what they have to wait for. When you appear eager for things, this often puts people off. Yes, stay hungry — be obsessed in pursuit of your dreams. But take your time for the things that require patience.

We’re all narcissists

Narcissism is thrown about as a highly unsavory trait these days to nauseating levels. We get it. But what no one is willing to admit is that they, too, possess a healthy dose of narcissism. We all do. Play to this by being a mirror. People love to see themselves in what you do and trust those who seem similar to them. Find common ground. Match their energy. Reflect their values back to them, and they will fall in love with what you represent.

People love feeling important

Instead of piling on fake flattery, find something about others you’re genuinely interested in. Ask them questions. At a wider scale, demonstrate how you understand their problems. The beauty in this is that, although your attention is on them, they won’t forget you.

Challenging the status quo is difficult

Selfish is easy. Short-term is easy. Being complacent is easy. Turning our heads and ignoring the problem is easy. Going along to get along is easy. But easy isn’t the point. Better is. Challenging the status quo is difficult, and worth it.

Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same compassion you show others when they make mistakes. Instead of being harsh and self-critical, forgive yourself and offer support. Imagine how you would respond to a loved one in a similar situation and extend that kindness to yourself. Embrace self-compassion as a cleansing practice that nurtures your emotional well-being.

Develop Cognitive Agility

Avoid catastrophizing and jumping to the worst-case scenario. Train your mind to consider multiple perspectives and possibilities before focusing on one. Use the "Putting It In Perspective" exercise to generate alternative scenarios and place them on a continuum from worst to best. Assess the most realistic options, realizing that your initial reaction may exaggerate the situation's severity. Sharpen your Occam's Razor and choose the most likely explanation.

Optimism can fuel your resilience

See setbacks as temporary, local, and controllable. Cultivate an optimistic perspective by engaging in the "Best Possible Self" exercise. Imagine a future where everything has gone right and write about it for 10 minutes. Believe that things will work out and keep trying. Optimism can fuel your resilience and keep you going, even in challenging times.

Master Emotional Regulation

When emotions run high, take a step back and create space between your emotions and your actions. Identify and name your emotions, realizing that they are separate from who you are. Focus on your body to ground yourself in reality. Then, use logical reasoning to question the validity of your emotions and reevaluate the situation. Slowing down and reappraising will help you make smart decisions and regain control.

What is the most important thing?

Know and own what matters most to you. Then, you can make decisions and take actions that align with your priorities.

What does your ideal day look like?

Take an inventory of the most enjoyable and satisfying days of your life. What did you do? Why did you like them? Be sure that your job, personal life, and even the place you've chosen to live takes you towards these, not away from them.

Who do you spend time with?

Your environment influences who you become, so choose your surroundings wisely. Think about your friends and colleagues: do they inspire you, validate you, or drag you down?

Margin of safety

The margin of safety is a secret weapon. It’s the buffer, the extra capacity, the redundancy that you build into a system to handle unexpected stress. It’s the difference between a bridge that can barely handle the expected load and one that can hold ten times that load without breaking a sweat. You can apply a margin of safety to any area of life with risk. The key is always asking yourself: What if I’m wrong? What if things don’t go as planned?

Decisions are easy, choices are hard

A good decision is our best analysis of the facts, options and risks. If it’s too close to call, flip a coin, because it’s too close to call. On the other hand, a choice involves understanding our priorities, evaluating our preference for risk and sometimes, changing our minds. None of these are easy. If we face a difficult choice, it’s helpful to stop thinking about it as a decision. It’s a choice. Decisions are strategic, choices are personal.

The little things you enjoy, do them for someone else

If you feel relief when someone asks a question in class, then other students are probably relieved too. Be the one who asks. If you love it when a friend calls to check in, your friends probably love it too. Be the one who calls. If it makes your whole day when someone compliments your outfit, other people probably love it too. Give out more compliments.

The more you think about the situation

When you feel tense or frustrated or worried, it is difficult to think your way into feeling better. The more you think about the situation, the larger it becomes in your mind. Trying to think your way out of it often leads to a spiral of overthinking and rumination. The first step is not to think something different, but to do something different. It doesn’t matter what. Stretch on the floor, go for a walk, work on a project. Get out of your mind and move your body.

After you have exhausted

After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, love, and so on—have found that none of these finally satisfy, or permanently wear—what remains? Nature remains; to bring out from their torpid recesses, the affinities of a man or woman with the open air, the trees, fields, and the changes of seasons—the sun by day and the stars of heaven by night.

The role of the artist

The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover. If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.

The most daring prophecies

If we have learned one thing from the history of invention and discovery, it is that the most daring prophecies seem laughably conservative in the long run—and often in the short one.

Emotional about enlightening teachings

If you forget your feelings about things, they become enlightening teachings. If you get emotional about enlightening teachings, they become worldly.

Life isn’t trying to defeat you.

When life gets tough, some of us feel that we’ve lost the game and life has won. But life isn’t trying to defeat you. Life isn’t even a participant—the game is yours.

A tea gathering

Sure, you can have a hundred tea ceremonies. You can ever have them all with the same people. But you can only have that ceremony, that cup of tea, once. Then the moment evaporates forever.

The mediocrity trap

About half of my friends kind of hate their jobs, so they're moderately unhappy most of the time, but never unhappy enough to leave. This is the mediocrity trap: situations that are bad-but-not-too-bad keep you forever in their orbit because they never inspire the frustration it takes to achieve escape velocity.

You are waiting for jackpot

You are waiting for jackpot, refusing to do anything until an option arises that dominates all other options on all dimensions. Strangely, this never seems to happen.

Calendars are a choice

Humans are unique. We give names to the days of the week (we even have weeks). We eat something different for breakfast than dinner. We chronicle the passage of time. In fact, our chronicling of time is what makes it noticeable.

The system has fingerprints

We all make mistakes. We all do things that we then realize weren’t in our interest, or useful to the community. If we do it a second time, it’s worth taking a hard look at the system that set us up for failure. How did the system get here? Who benefits? When we can see the system, we have a chance to fix it.