Place the wish to understand above the wish to be right

It is a service to reality to see with the greater charity of interpretation. It is a service to other human beings to look at them, confused and self-concerned as they may be, with the eyes of love and to resist for as long as possible letting the cataract of judgment occlude our view. To place the wish to understand above the wish to be right is the greatest gift we can give one another.

What we see is never raw reality

What we see is never raw reality, pure as spacetime — what we see is our interpretation of reality, filtered through the lens of our experience and our conditioned worldview. Always, the way we look at things shapes what we see; often, the lens we mistake for a magnifying glass turns out to be a warped mirror — we see others not as they are but as we are.

Words do have power

Words do have power. Names have power. Words are events, they do things, and change things. They transform both speaker and hearer; they feed energy back and forth and amplify it. They feed understanding or emotion back and forth and amplify it.

Writing is a lonely occupation at best

Writing is a lonely occupation at best. Of course, there are stimulating and even happy associations with friends and colleagues, but during the actual work of creation, the writer cuts himself off from all others and confronts his subject alone. He moves into a realm where he has never been before — perhaps where no one has ever been. It is a lonely place, even a little frightening.

Loving anybody and being loved by anybody is a tremendous danger

Loving anybody and being loved by anybody is a tremendous danger, a tremendous responsibility. We’ve got to be as clear-headed about human beings as possible because we are still each other’s only hope.

Fearlessness is what love seeks

Fearlessness is what love seeks. Love as craving is determined by its goal, and this goal is freedom from fear. Such fearlessness exists only in the complete calm that can no longer be shaken by events expected of the future. Hence the only valid tense is the present, the Now.

We will lose everything we love

We will lose everything we love, including our lives — so we might as well love without fear, for to fear a certainty is wasted energy that siphons the life of aliveness.

People are well-attuned to sensing

Being there with someone, truly listening, and absorbing what they say will set you apart. People will be amazed at how heard they feel, even if you barely talk. People are well-attuned to sensing the presence of others. Be still. Be there. This will attract people to you, and often they won’t even know why.

Share something that takes courage to share

Being vulnerable is respected when it serves a positive purpose. When I am willing to look ‘inferior’ to demonstrate a point that ultimately helps others, that’s strength. For example, you can tell me that you still get anxious before interviews, but you tell me so that I feel encouraged. You are showing me your humanity while lifting me. That takes courage and pitches you as an example-setting leader, not a loser.

Nurture total non-resistance to criticism

Those who have developed an OKness with being criticized and gently smile when insulted aren’t pushovers. They simply no longer see the connection between what others think and their own well-being. They no longer seek validation, nor are they affected by insult. This is deeply attractive.

We want to be seen

Don’t interrupt. Such a simple thing. But it’s not easy to do. Many don’t even realize it when they do it, but they interrupt, not to be intentionally rude, but often out of insecurity. When we interrupt, we inadvertently signal our sense of inadequacy. We want to be seen. Give people space. Don’t interrupt.

No matter what you say you value

Committed decisions show up in two places: your calendar and your bank account. No matter what you say you value or even think your priorities are, you have only to look at last year's calendar and bank account to see the decisions you have made about what you truly value. See how you have reserved your time. Look at your expenditures. Those are the trials of the decisions you have made.

It is only by going through your early attempts

The connective tissue between your failures and your successes is the lessons you learn along the way. It is only by going through your early attempts (usually failures in some form) that you accumulate the insights, skills, and understanding required for success. Everything is a lesson. Learn enough lessons and the failures become useful.

If it is the peace you want

If it is the peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth.

Time is the most precious asset

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. Anything you do is a trade of your finite remaining time for something else. Time is the most precious asset. Trade it carefully.

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth.

Pick your problems, pick your future

Problems don’t really care whether we acknowledge them or not. They still exist. What matters is how we choose to direct our energy, because our tomorrow is the direct result of the way we spend our resources today. Pick your problems, pick your future.

Bringing intent to our rituals

The things we do each day, every day, often arrive without intent. By the time we realize that they’re now habits, these random behaviors have already become part of how we define ourselves and the time we spend. Bringing intent to our rituals gives us the chance to rewire our attitudes. But first, we need to see it.

Ask questions

Questions do a couple of things. Firstly, they demonstrate their interest in another person, which helps them feel respected and heard. Secondly, they encourage the other person to share more. Hence, you gain more intel on their perspective, which allows you to build further empathy and ensures you steer clear of basing your communication on assumptions.

This also allows you to make your collaboration far more effective than butting heads and forcing your viewpoint on someone.

The more successful you are, the nicer you should be

Maybe the broadest way to protect yourself is the simple rule that the luckier you are, the nicer you should be. The more successful you are, the nicer you should be. The better things are going, the nicer you should be. That’s probably the best – or only – way to guard against entitlement, which is the main thing that blindsides you when luck turns the other way.

Keep your identity small

Avoid identifying too strongly with things or groups, as this can limit your ability to change your mind or consider new perspectives.

Read widely and from people, you disagree with

Read widely and from people, you disagree with. Deliberately immerse yourself in the thoughts and strategies of those you disagree with to see if there is anything you can learn.

We understand our own motives

We understand our own motives. We understand our own actions. And no matter what, they seem to make sense in our minds, because our collective set of experiences tells us so. But if we look at the world from someone else's perspective, we see that we can appear mysterious. We can appear duplicitous. We might even appear irrational.

No person is all good or all bad

No person is all good or all bad. Most people are responding to the stimulus around them. If they are rewarded for bad behavior, they will do that more. But if they're rewarded for good behavior, then you'll see more of that. We are shaped way more by our environment than we think.

Everyone is the hero of their own story

We understand our own behavior because we understand our intent. Others don't have the ability to see beyond the veil of our actions, so what they do is make assumptions about us. We do the same thing to others. We take the data that we get as clues to what their true character is. Using these breadcrumbs, we attempt to conclude whether they are a good actor or bad ones with ill intent.

The events of your life needn't be judged

The events of your life needn't be judged. It's impossible to know whether such judgments will prove accurate with the benefit of hindsight, so the wisest among us allow events to exist without applying a narrative layer.

Every action is a pearl

We don't need to place judgment on whether any action is "good" or "bad"—we just need to take the action and let it be. No action is completely perfect—no action is completely imperfect. Every action has the same value. Every action is a pearl on your long, ever-expanding string of life.

Get to the point

Make it clear upfront what you want. Make the next steps obvious. If you have a recommendation, say it upfront. Get to the point.

If we don’t see it, it feels safer

There are things we avoid looking at too closely. If we looked, really saw what was happening, we’d have to change our minds, admit we were mistaken, refactor our priorities, or take action. It’s so frightening that we even hesitate to make a list of the things we don’t want to look at. Because the list itself is frightening. If we don’t see it, it feels safer.

Relaxed people are tolerant of uncertainty

One of the best sources of fear and stress comes from many of us wanting to know what the future will hold. We get stressed because if we don’t know, we can’t possibly avoid all the mistakes we’re deathly scared to make. This comes out of insecurity. Relaxed people are tolerant of uncertainty. They are OK with not having all the facts. They have faith that their innate intelligence will be there for them when they need it. It always shows up.

Thoughts are illusions at best

Thoughts are illusions at best. They are suggestions and approximations intended to help us make sense of our world. Too many of us see them as some kind of matter-of-fact gospel. They never were. Your stressful thoughts don’t need to be taken seriously.